OK ... this is an oldie but a goodie... in the same genre as "Things Staff Officers Say" and "Murphy's Laws of Combat" (posted previously.)
The idea is, when you're surrounded by The Suck, U.S. troops have always stepped up and given a great accounting of themselves .... and done it with a goodly dose of gallows humor at the same time.
With that in mind, I present to you the classic: "There's a snake in the Area of Operations!"
The Problem: There is a snake in the Area of Operations
(AO):
Army General: Sees snake. Orders Colonel to call immediate meeting to discuss Snake Situation and possibly authorize movement on snake. Requires preparation of 135 Powerpoint briefing slides, which he then declares he has no time to view.
Army private: Tells Sergeant Major and First Sergeant he never saw any snake. Never saw nothing. No hablo.
Army Infantry : "Ugh! Me see snake. Me like snake. Me play with snake. Ouch! Me no like snake. Me go play with rocks."
Army Paratrooper: Comes down in force, landing right on top of the snake, killing it. After assembling, they discover that they’ve landed in the wrong AO and killed the wrong snake. Hang around and smoke cigarettes while waiting for airlift out
Armor: Tank runs over snake. Crewman giggles, and looks for more snakes. Then they run out of gas.
Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake down to one half of one centimeter, but still can't find snake. Helicopter back to base for crew rest, a manicure, and go to the club and order some sort of drink called "The Snake"
Army Ranger: Walks in 75 miles while starving and carrying 100-pound pack. Finds the snake. Plays with the snake, then eats it.
Army Ranger (alt): Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.
Army Green Berets: Sneak into the AO and make contact with the snake. Speaks to it in snake language, building rapport with snake, thus winning its heart and mind. Trains snake to go out and kill other snakes.
Army Delta Force Operative: Becomes a snake. Pals around with the snake awhile to gain trust and information. Passes information on to his handler. Paints the snake den with a laser designator and then watches while the snake and all of its family are taken out by a drone-fired smart bomb.
Army Field Artillery: Masses 10,000 mobile artillery units, and
launches an all-out Time-on-Target barrage with rockets and high explosives and
kills the snake … not to mention several hundred civilians. The mission is declared a complete success,
and all participants (including the mechanics, clerks and cooks) are awarded
the Silver Star.
Army Combat Engineers: Come into the AO and study the snake. They prepare an in-depth, five-series field manual on employing counter-mobility assets to kill the snake. The study is so obtuse that nobody reads it. The engineers then complain that the maneuver forces don’t understand how to properly conduct counter-snake operations by the Book.
Army Intelligence: Learns the snake's language and dialect, perform's "snake area studies," references and collates any other snake-related information. Determines snake's order of battle, prepares map overlays and Powerpoint presentation of snake territory. Then tells colonel to direct the Infantry and Artillery to fight over who actually gets to kill the snake.
Army Quartermaster Corps: Supply sergeant captures the snake and paints
it green with a National Stock Number bar code on its flank. He then has the Base Commander sign for “one
snake, green, with scales, poisonous” on a non-expendable hand receipt and
places the snake in the appropriate bin in his supply warehouse. Later, after claiming he doesn’t have any
snakes to issue, the sergeant ships the snake to a company deployed on the
battlefield. (Unfortunately, what that
company had previously requisitioned, was “One Rake, with handle, for area,
cleaning of.”)
Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost
Air Force: Fighter pilot flies into AO, mis-identifies the snake as a late-model Chinese high-altitude interceptor, and engages the snake with Smart Missiles, Can’t tell if he killed the snake or not, but returns to base for a cold beer, while his crew chief paints a nifty looking snake decal on his aircraft’s nose.
Air Force Combat Controllers: Parachute into the AO and guide the snake elsewhere.
Air Force Pararescue: parachutes into the AO, severely wounds the snake during the initial firefight, and then does their damndest to save the snake’s life.
U.S. Navy: Mine and blockade the snake’s harbors, sinking or seizing any ships trying to enter on the grounds that they might be carrying snake food. Invites members of the media aboard aircraft carrier to observe Navy-led anti-snake strikes.
Navy SEAL: Swims into the AO at night, walks 50 miles inland, and takes an uncomfortable position which they then hold for 24 hours just to stay awake. They ambush the snake, expending all their ammunition and two cases of hand grenades and call for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then dies of lead poisoning. Else, the snake gets away and the SEALS blame the mission failure on poor intel.
Navy Intel: Has no idea where the snake is, but is unable to tell you that as you're not cleared to know.
U.S, Coast Guard: Does nothing,
as they’re too busy issuing citations to drunken pleasure boaters.
Central Intelligence Agency: Locates the snake using a spy satellite. They study the snake, scale by scale and watch its movements. They draw up an extensive report on snakes, snake scales, snake lice, snake shit and snake movements, and pass the report up the chain of command to the Joint Chiefs, the CIA director and the White House National Security Advisor. Meanwhile, the snake slithers off, disappears, and is never seen again.
Congressman: Blames U.S. military forces for stirring up the snake in the first place. Takes away the soldiers' weaponry and sends them back to fight the snake while wearing hand and leg cuffs.
Clinton White House: Tells inappropriate snake joke to intern, and then orders the death of an innocent camel with 147 Tomahawk Cruise Missiles.
G. W. Bush White House: Declares snake part of "Evil Empire" and drops Mother of All Bombs all over Afghanistan, possibly killing snake. Possibly not. Then conducts a media Photo Op beneath a "Mission Accomplished" banner.
Either way, no one gives a crap about the snake anymore.
Army General: Sees snake. Orders Colonel to call immediate meeting to discuss Snake Situation and possibly authorize movement on snake. Requires preparation of 135 Powerpoint briefing slides, which he then declares he has no time to view.
Army private: Tells Sergeant Major and First Sergeant he never saw any snake. Never saw nothing. No hablo.
Army Infantry : "Ugh! Me see snake. Me like snake. Me play with snake. Ouch! Me no like snake. Me go play with rocks."
Army Paratrooper: Comes down in force, landing right on top of the snake, killing it. After assembling, they discover that they’ve landed in the wrong AO and killed the wrong snake. Hang around and smoke cigarettes while waiting for airlift out
Armor: Tank runs over snake. Crewman giggles, and looks for more snakes. Then they run out of gas.
Army Aviation: Has GPS grid to snake down to one half of one centimeter, but still can't find snake. Helicopter back to base for crew rest, a manicure, and go to the club and order some sort of drink called "The Snake"
Army Ranger: Walks in 75 miles while starving and carrying 100-pound pack. Finds the snake. Plays with the snake, then eats it.
Army Ranger (alt): Assaults the snake's home and secures it for use by friendly snakes.
Army Green Berets: Sneak into the AO and make contact with the snake. Speaks to it in snake language, building rapport with snake, thus winning its heart and mind. Trains snake to go out and kill other snakes.
Army Delta Force Operative: Becomes a snake. Pals around with the snake awhile to gain trust and information. Passes information on to his handler. Paints the snake den with a laser designator and then watches while the snake and all of its family are taken out by a drone-fired smart bomb.
Army Combat Engineers: Come into the AO and study the snake. They prepare an in-depth, five-series field manual on employing counter-mobility assets to kill the snake. The study is so obtuse that nobody reads it. The engineers then complain that the maneuver forces don’t understand how to properly conduct counter-snake operations by the Book.
Army Intelligence: Learns the snake's language and dialect, perform's "snake area studies," references and collates any other snake-related information. Determines snake's order of battle, prepares map overlays and Powerpoint presentation of snake territory. Then tells colonel to direct the Infantry and Artillery to fight over who actually gets to kill the snake.
U. S. Marines: Assault the snake’s position with extreme
violence, killing it and everything in sight, all the while complaining about “…lack
of proper support from the Damned Navy.”
Marine Recon: Follows the snake and gets lost
Air Force: Fighter pilot flies into AO, mis-identifies the snake as a late-model Chinese high-altitude interceptor, and engages the snake with Smart Missiles, Can’t tell if he killed the snake or not, but returns to base for a cold beer, while his crew chief paints a nifty looking snake decal on his aircraft’s nose.
Air Force Combat Controllers: Parachute into the AO and guide the snake elsewhere.
Air Force Pararescue: parachutes into the AO, severely wounds the snake during the initial firefight, and then does their damndest to save the snake’s life.
U.S. Navy: Mine and blockade the snake’s harbors, sinking or seizing any ships trying to enter on the grounds that they might be carrying snake food. Invites members of the media aboard aircraft carrier to observe Navy-led anti-snake strikes.
Navy SEAL: Swims into the AO at night, walks 50 miles inland, and takes an uncomfortable position which they then hold for 24 hours just to stay awake. They ambush the snake, expending all their ammunition and two cases of hand grenades and call for naval gunfire in a failed attempt to kill the snake. The snake bites the SEAL then dies of lead poisoning. Else, the snake gets away and the SEALS blame the mission failure on poor intel.
Navy Intel: Has no idea where the snake is, but is unable to tell you that as you're not cleared to know.
Central Intelligence Agency: Locates the snake using a spy satellite. They study the snake, scale by scale and watch its movements. They draw up an extensive report on snakes, snake scales, snake lice, snake shit and snake movements, and pass the report up the chain of command to the Joint Chiefs, the CIA director and the White House National Security Advisor. Meanwhile, the snake slithers off, disappears, and is never seen again.
Congressman: Blames U.S. military forces for stirring up the snake in the first place. Takes away the soldiers' weaponry and sends them back to fight the snake while wearing hand and leg cuffs.
Clinton White House: Tells inappropriate snake joke to intern, and then orders the death of an innocent camel with 147 Tomahawk Cruise Missiles.
G. W. Bush White House: Declares snake part of "Evil Empire" and drops Mother of All Bombs all over Afghanistan, possibly killing snake. Possibly not. Then conducts a media Photo Op beneath a "Mission Accomplished" banner.
Either way, no one gives a crap about the snake anymore.
